Today is a day when I wish I didn’t have to tell the truth. I’ve been writing about being stressed for months upon months now. There was a reason why the waitress told me to smile a few weeks ago…
I’m in the process of getting a divorce… and it’s affecting every facet of my life. Some days I can fake the funk and appropriately smile and nod, but other days it hurts so much that I swear that a 1000lb gorilla is sitting on my chest.
The details of who, what, where, and why don’t need to be shared publicly, but I felt that it was important that I came out and told the truth about why I have been so stressed. Being married is a part of who I am, and is also a part of my identity as a blogger. Hell, some brands that I work with even ask about my marital status.
As much as this hurts me… I know that I will eventually have to move on. I have to forgive my husband, forgive myself, and give myself permission to move on with my life.
The few people that do know what’s going on often question how I am dealing with everything and remaining “poised” in public… one person even asked me if I was happy to be getting a divorce because to their knowledge I haven’t “broken down”. Little do they know, that I have made a conscious effort to keep myself together. Have I closed my office door at work and cried? Yes. Have I sat in the arms of my closet friends and sobbed uncontrollably and asked why this is happening to my marriage? Of course. Sitting in the house and replaying my relationship, the wedding, and envisioning how different my life is now doesn’t make anything better. In fact, that ensures that I will go to work the next morning with puffy eyes and a red nose.
A few weeks ago I moved from our home in Long Island into an apartment in NYC…
To me, this signaled that it was really happening…once the storm passes over the next few months… I will have a fresh start. I have to stay optimistic. I have to remain excited for my future. Is getting a divorce ideal? Hell no. I believe in God and the sacredness of marriage…but for lack of a better term (+ to preserve the private details) things happen.
The only thing constant in this world is change.
I’ve struggled with when I wanted to come out and share this part of my life… but a friend told me that it may be therapeutic for me and for someone who can relate to my story. It’s easy to make everything look perfect when you can hide behind a computer screen. But I am a real person too. My life is far from perfect. I make mistakes. I have failed before… but nobody shares the ugly things on social media. Who would want to follow someone who is depressed, sad, and lost? And lately that’s exactly how I feel.
I’m taking it day by day, sometimes hour by hour. As this chapter of my life comes to a close, I know that I have to stay faithful and believe that something great is in store for me. I don’t know what or when it will come, but I am still here. Still breathing. Still living. I have absolutely no idea what the future holds, but I have to allow myself time to heal, but more importantly, I have to allow myself to press forward.
“Have enough courage to trust love one more time and always one more time.” – Maya Angelou
I have to love myself, love others, and be open to allowing people to love me. A divorce doesn’t mean that my life is over. It doesn’t mean that I will never be capable of being loved, having children, or finding true happiness in a relationship. A divorce means that this chapter of my life must be closed right now. And when one door closes… another door must open eventually.
*Note: I know I rambled a lot in this post. This was one of the hardest posts that I have ever had to write. In sharing, I just ask that you are respectful if you choose to leave a comment below. Marriage + divorce are sensitive topics, especially if you are religious. Therefore, if you cannot say something respectfully, please refrain from leaving comments.
If you would like to chat, or you are going through something yourself, please feel free to email me at firstname.lastname@example.org….. xo*