This past Sunday the Pastor at my husband’s old church talked about getting better not bitter in order to be happy in life. This message really resonated with me. When you are bitter and cannot forgive yourself or others, it can manifest itself in other aspects of your life. The Pastor made the analogy about how people would feel better if they could go to the doctor and get a cat scan that was able to detect bitterness. If a doctor told you that there was a bit of bitterness located in your stomach, you would do what you need to do to fix it, right?
From November 2012 to March 2013, I was in and out of the doctors. My stomach hurt. My migraines came back. My knees where achy. I was constantly exhausted. I had a stint of bronchitis that wouldn’t let up. You name it, I had it. Finally, I was sent to an immunologist that ran all types of test on me. When I tell you that this report was thick; you don’t even know. When everything came back within a reasonable range, he suggested that I was actually depressed. Sometimes depression and anxiety can manifest itself with physical symptoms. Nothing makes you more depressed than someone telling you that the reason why you feel terrible is because you are depressed. I started crying right there in the office. At that time, I was getting ready to finish my masters degree, I had comprehensive examinations, papers, my internship, and occasionally I liked to try and make some time for my husband, family, and friends. Ain’t nobody got time for depression!
The bottom line is that I was stressed and overwhelmed; which the doctor also added was probably making me display anxious tendencies. Lovely, right? I’m Kimberly Anne. I have it together. Depression and anxiety? I studied those in my graduate program…I am not the patient.
But apparently I was. I’ve gone through some personal and premarital counseling before, so I tried to get back to the basics and look at why I was literally making myself sick. I harbor a lot of guilt for things that I don’t really have much control over. The past, things at work, relationships, ect ect. I would take on the burdens of the people I love the most and make it my problem. My empathy for others and lack of empathy for myself was ultimately making me sick. I was bitter.
Now, wouldn’t this post be lovely if I said I am happy as a clam? I don’t want to lie and say I am all better, but I am better than I was back in March. I am really working on letting things go that I cannot control and that are in the past and I cannot change. This is something that I work on every. single. day. But it’s coming. I feel better… except for this facial breakout that I am experiencing right now. That is probably due to the stress of this dog-gone job search! But that’s a whole different post.
How to you handle stress? If you are able to let it go and let it flow, please enlighten me on how you are able to do so.